Posted on May 11, 2011 by Marivel Guzman

Fear and Love

Poisoned Mind

Don Miguel Ruiz is an inspiration for me. I was inspired to write this short personal journal departing from his novel “The Mastery of Love”, I expand his thoughts, and sometimes I entangled his ideas with mine, without any attempt to plagiarize his writings, but a simple recount of my personal experience.

Love must be found
At the end of the road, we are just humans in the same journey in life.

Humans used fear to domesticate humans, and our fear increases with each experience of injustice, and without noticing, we become less aware of the damage we are causing to ourselves and to others.

The sense of injustice is the knife that opens a wound in our emotional body and continue to become victims and executioners of our lives.

“Emotional poison is created by our reaction to what we consider injustice.” Some wounds will heal, others will become infected with more and more poison. Once we are full of emotional poison, we have the need to release it, and we practice releasing the poison by sending it to someone else. How we do this? by hooking that other person’s attention.

Take for instance an ordinary couple. For whatever reason the husband is mad, he has a lot of emotional poison from injustice that comes from his wife, when they are not together that poison keeps growing inside of them. When the husband comes home all mad from a full day of injustices or stressful day, the first things he wants to do is to hook her attention because once he hooks her attention all the poison can go to her wife, and he can feel the relief. As soon as he tells her how bad she is, how stupid or unfair she is, that poison he has inside him is transferred to her wife.

He keeps talking and talking until she gets his attention. The wife finally reacts and gets mad and he feels better. But now the poison is going through her, and she has to get even. She has to hook his attention and release her poison, but now is not just his poison, it is his and her poison, if you look to this interaction you see that they are playing with each other wounds, like ping pong with emotional poison. The emotional poison keeps growing until one day one of them is going to explode. This is how human beings relate to each others. They live in a domesticated world, where the emotions are programmed to work in a controlled environment.

Has been long time since I cry over a story in a book, but this love story is so strong, it cuts deep in my emotions. As I read the lines in the book, I relied to the story, I saw myself inside those emotions.

How can I live somebody else story and feel the same way? The same wounds, the same memories. The feeling it is awful strange but that’s how I remember. We are just part of the same hologram, only in a smallest version.

The vibration is interlaced like in a spider web, the same structure, fragile, and at the same time so powerful strong that pulls you inside.

I was experiencing the emotions that were transmitted to me in the story. The sensation felt so real, the pain, and the love felt so real that shook my soul.

The excerpts of this story are part of “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz, The Man Who didn’t believe in Love.

Its a parabola style the same used by Jesus used to reprimand, congratulate or simply to teach his followers some lessons of life.

This man did not believe in love, he will preach in seminars, write books about his theories about love, he will say that love was just an emotional addiction of control for people using this emotion just to keep the hook on the targeted people. According to him en every relationship one part or it is the one “giving” love and other receiving, when the receiving part got out of line, the giving part will stop the supply to force the receiving part to comply then just then the giving part will keep giving “love” or a fix. One day he was walking in the park and saw a women crying, and he felt the necessity to approach and ask her why she was crying, she opens up to him and told him how she has been married for 20 years, and how she was taking care of the house, the kids and her husband, and even thought one day his husband start treating bad and telling how stupid, and ugly she was, until they divorced, she say that life was unfair, This man told her all about his theory, and how love did not exist and how he has live happy without “love”, they keep talking, and they stay as friends, they will go to eat together, to the movies and have become inseparable, the years pass and they were the best friend, they even become intimates, but they never talk about love. One day he was away for a conference and he felt lonely, he was missing her company, when he come back he told her that he miss her a lot when they were not together, that maybe he was in love, the women say that she has thought the same but she kept it for herself because she respected his view on love matters.

One day he start thinking on her, and was looking at a star, a beautiful star that he wanted to share that moment with her, he wished so hard that the star came to his hand, he run to give the star to her, when she was about to hold the star she doubt for a moment of his feelings and the star went crushing to the floor, for a moment they start looking each other startled not knowing how to react. At the end the relationship ended and they knew why, putting their happiness in the hands of their partner is not the way love works.

When you make yourself to believe that the happiness of your partner depends on you, it is when you place yourselves in a dream, a dream that is hard to fulfill because is not real. Because the happiness is inside you and you give happiness, and in return you get happiness. You can’t live waiting to get happiness it won’t happen, wake up from the dream and accept that you can’t get what you can’t give.

You can’t live waiting to get happiness it won’t happen, wake up from the dream and accept that you can’t get what you can’t give.

So stop blaming your partner for your unhappiness.

When you do something, anything to try to please your partner, you do out of fear, you want your partner to like you and if he/she doesn’t feel pleased you feel hurt, you feel that is unfair, so your fears grow, you feel insecured and unhappy.

Remember, whatever you do, do it out of love expecting nothing, because love is an unselfish act, love does not want anything in return, love only gives. If you only give without expecting anything, there won’t be any disappointments, there will be no pain, only rewards.

I used so many times the expression; “I Love you so much that it hurts” just now I see clearly, that it was not an expression of love but an expression of fear. To feel un-loved, not to get the same intensity of my emotion in return. I was pitying myself asking for as much love as I was giving. I was living in a dream, an unfulfilled dream…Now I know.

I remember long ago telling myself that I was so happy that it seems unreal, one of those moments you say, “Too good to be true”, well that expression is true most of the times, and unfortunately for me it was. I have healed my wounds, now I am able to speak of my emotions. It was hard but necessary. It is the only way to free yourself of your emotional baggage, your painful baggage.

Many times you say to
yourself, and sometimes in confidence to friends, that love is painful, and unfair and you cling to that existence believing that things will go better if you just stay a little longer, but you end up creating more chaos in your life and in the life of your partner, and hate starts to grow to the point that is impossible the existence together.
Anything you say or do is criticized and the same goes with your partner anything that he/she says receive an unwelcome response, it won’t get better believe me, not until you both realize that you are hurting each other in this ping pong of emotional pain that we subject ourselves. It seems as we enjoy the pain, the discomfort is so great that you get uncomfortably numb. You keep pushing your emotional strength, it is hard to brake lose. I’ve been there, I have tasted the upsetting experiences that a bad relationship gives, and does not matter how many years you has been in the web, does not matter how much you think you know your partner, once you fall in that hole, it is like trying to get out of a bottle that is clear and you can see the outside, but your life slips back in.

Everything will be OK or contained for a lack of a better word, if only this emotional war that you are waging is in between two people, but is not the case. In this plane of existence that we live in, we all are bonded by this invisible web of frequencies, that affect everything and everyone around us, specially if you have children, they will receive your negative emotions, even if they pretend not to be affected, they do, and you have to be aware that their reality and yours are part of the same hologram.

Going throughout the years of self inflicted wounds, sounds unimaginable, but in the majority of the relationships is the case. When you know that you are living in this unhealthy relationship, why not to get out, we keep inventing excuses to stay. We keep telling ourselves that tomorrow the situation will change, he will change, he is just kidding when he hurts you, when he insult you, you always forgive him, you cry and just that release of energy makes you feel better, at least for the moment, but in reality you keep growing hate inside yourself, you kid yourself when you stay and pretend nothing happened, you are a time bomb ready to explode.

When you know that you are living in this unhealthy relationship, why not to get out, we keep inventing excuses to stay. We keep telling ourselves that tomorrow the situation will change, he will change, he is just kidding when he hurts you, when he insult you, you always forgive him, you cry and just that release of energy makes you feel better, at least for the moment, but in reality you keep growing hate inside yourself, you kid yourself when you stay and pretend nothing happened, you are a time bomb ready to explode.

Why we do it? Do we like to be insulted? Do we enjoy being step on it, we might say we do it for our kids, or we don’t have a place to go, but none of these reasons are enough valid to go throught hell. Very importantly to understand that we are exposing our kids to unnecessary emotional damage. They end up being the victims of our lack of love, and insufficient and mutual disrespect. We might not see inmediately, but when they grow up and enter in a relationship on their own, they will be unconsciously fighting the demons that we are planting in them, not knowing how to react in situations where their parents acted so immaturely.

Is it some love that we try to save out of the ashes? or is the fear to be alone? What is it for you?

Maybe you still believe that you love your partner, for a moment you think that he/she still loves you, you feel insecure again, the fear to loose what you have, but then you must think, what do you have? when you live in an unstable situation, hanging in a web thin and fragile, you have to accept the reality, you have to wake up from the dream that is so lucid that can become a nightmare.

There is so much that a spirit can take before is shattered, you have to follow your inner instinct and make your choice, remember the choices, when follow the instinctive inner you, It will be a right choice, if you start making logical scenarios, then most probably your choice will not have a very happy ending.

Clear your emotional clatter and make your move, remember that life is unfair only because you feed your fear before you feed your love. So get rid of the fear and love you, love you first, then only you will know if you are loved or if you just live in a dream feed by fear.

Some say, that “if there is no pain, there is not love”, I don’t think so.

I still want to feel the emotional discharged of love, where there’s no pain, no tomorrow, only today.

I always dream into finding my soul mate, that love that will make me forget the nightmares of my past.

Always hoping to find that special moment and I can grab and not let it go.

It is never too late to find love. When it comes knocking your door, be ready to open, because it never rings twice.

Let yourself be taken for a ride, an experience that is soft, romantic, and easy to navigate, without drama. Where everything evolves in a very simple way. Where a simple eye sight, or a glimpse that can make you feel loved and dissipated of all congestion and uncertaintly, where there is no clatter or clouds in the horizon line.

Let yourself feel the soft essence of love, let it touches you with the breeze of a fresh morning that will feels like glorious morning, shining with light. Do not think twice, seize the moment.
Make your relation relaxed and beautiful, not planing for tomorrow, living on the present as the most precious gift from God.

Make your relation relaxed and beautiful, not planing for tomorrow, living on the present as the most precious gift from God.

No one can assure you that you will have a better tomorrow, If you can not enjoy the present day, how can you expect a tomorrow?

Make your day as romantic as the first date, it could be the day to remember.

Do not shed tears for the unknown that is not in balance with your life, as it does not exist yet, only today counts, do not make it a burden that tears you down with unnecessary desperation that could not even come as a reality.
Cherish today as the last day of your life. Your love is precious, your life is precious. Make today to be a memorable day, the best day of your life.